Thursday, July 27, 2006
Communication
I think communication is really important, but I'm still learning it. I don't know how to express myself when it concerns deep issues, matters-of-the-heart, things which might hurt someone, etc. I guess it's a skill, or is it a practice? Hmmm...
Was reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" yesterday. In MPH. Haha! I came upon a point which I had just discovered recently, which made me feel momentarily intelligent and gained a glimpse of hope regarding my intellect. Haha! Cheap thrill.
Anyway, have you ever ended up in a big fight, or have a complete change in attitude towards your partner when things were supposed to be excellent? Like a silly thing like not holding the door open for you, saying something mean to you in a joking manner and you take it the wrong way, etc, and you flare up? Apparently there's a 90/10 principle to it. If you think it through calmly, or pen your thoughts and feelings down, you will probably realise that the thingy that triggered your unexpected emotion only constitutes 10%. 90% of whatever feelings you had probably stemmed from past feelings that were unresolved, like hurt, pain, rejection, fear, etc.
This results because we feel so comfortable with that someone that we feel safe to be our own true self and hence past emotions are given the opportunity to make their appearances, regardless of whether we conjured it up or not.
From the girl's point of view, it is said that we just need him there to listen, to accept us and to shower more love even if he doesn't understand a single thing, and not fix the problem. How true is it? Possibly true for me.
Anyway, it can only navigate down this road if he understands this and knows that when we flare up about almost nothing at all, it largely isn't about the thing that triggered it. And for us, we need to communicate that. But I have to admit that communicating it is not easy. Not easy at all. Lots of trust and faith and love is needed. If we don't feel safe or accepted, we will never open our heart and share. But I guess an easier way of sharing is to write. Whatever it is, communication should be foremost. If you read yesterday's papers, there was Singapore's longest union... about a 80-year marriage in which the husband advises that they seek each others' advice about things, and respect each others' opinion and they share everything. Only then will the union grow stronger.
Learning in progress.
Was reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" yesterday. In MPH. Haha! I came upon a point which I had just discovered recently, which made me feel momentarily intelligent and gained a glimpse of hope regarding my intellect. Haha! Cheap thrill.
Anyway, have you ever ended up in a big fight, or have a complete change in attitude towards your partner when things were supposed to be excellent? Like a silly thing like not holding the door open for you, saying something mean to you in a joking manner and you take it the wrong way, etc, and you flare up? Apparently there's a 90/10 principle to it. If you think it through calmly, or pen your thoughts and feelings down, you will probably realise that the thingy that triggered your unexpected emotion only constitutes 10%. 90% of whatever feelings you had probably stemmed from past feelings that were unresolved, like hurt, pain, rejection, fear, etc.
This results because we feel so comfortable with that someone that we feel safe to be our own true self and hence past emotions are given the opportunity to make their appearances, regardless of whether we conjured it up or not.
From the girl's point of view, it is said that we just need him there to listen, to accept us and to shower more love even if he doesn't understand a single thing, and not fix the problem. How true is it? Possibly true for me.
Anyway, it can only navigate down this road if he understands this and knows that when we flare up about almost nothing at all, it largely isn't about the thing that triggered it. And for us, we need to communicate that. But I have to admit that communicating it is not easy. Not easy at all. Lots of trust and faith and love is needed. If we don't feel safe or accepted, we will never open our heart and share. But I guess an easier way of sharing is to write. Whatever it is, communication should be foremost. If you read yesterday's papers, there was Singapore's longest union... about a 80-year marriage in which the husband advises that they seek each others' advice about things, and respect each others' opinion and they share everything. Only then will the union grow stronger.
Learning in progress.
# posted by Banana Saviour @ 12:24 PM 
Comments:
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personally it helps when i express my unhappiness/hurt/anger etc in a non-antagonistic way (sometimes deh.. hahah.. yah, i know, i'm disgusting!) :) haha. because being aggressive usually makes the person defensive. it becomes better with time! luck luck daffy duck! :)
"Quark quark"... not "cluck cluck" just cos it rhymes! =)
Yeah, being aggressive is never the solution. But depending on how we express it non-aggressively... sometimes the emotion just stays imprisoned within me cos I don't know how to express it. Then I get annoyed with myself. Heh.
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Yeah, being aggressive is never the solution. But depending on how we express it non-aggressively... sometimes the emotion just stays imprisoned within me cos I don't know how to express it. Then I get annoyed with myself. Heh.
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